Building Sustainable Habits

Jan 25, 2023

Let’s talk about me going back to the gym and how this is a trauma healing practice for me.

In the past: exercise was a punishment for me. I did it only because I gained weight and I was mad at myself so I forced my body to move from a place of punishment

What I’m trying now is to associate movement with fun. Since this is really foreign to me, I thought I would try some difference ways of movement to see what my body’s experience is. This is an open conversation between my counscious self and my body.

So far, the gym. Before: I tried every excuse to get me to not go in but that was my only goal so I validated my flight tendancy and allowed my body to leave the gym as soon as I signed in if it really wanted to.

Even when signing in, I wanted to leave so I just stayed curious and let each baby step be a win. Next step, a tour of the facility to see if anything felt even just a little bit interesting. I found an all ladies room that felt way less obnoxious, crowded, and loud so I found a little bit of safety there and started with stretching. Even if that was all I did, I would have been so proud of me. But I followed my curiousity and let it lead me to the next easiest step. Treadmills were taken so I got on a bike and put up the resistance to 10 to make it “worth it”. I quickly realized that was too fast too soon for my nervous system and if I wanted this to be an inviting fun experience next time around, I would need to take things slow. So I did level 1 bike for however long felt right. I wrote a blog as I cycled and finished close to the 20 min mark and I let that be enough.

Next, I toured the place again, tried to do my own thing in the dance room but didn’t feel safe or really interested in that vibe so I stretched and found my way to the sauna. Now I’m here with a 5 minute “goal” but if I needed to leave sooner because it’s too much for me, I have the choice and agency to do so at any time. Choice and agency are the exact opposite of some of my biggest trauma so this is something that is really healing on my journey to moving my body for fun.

I’m sweating in here as I write this and I’m so proud of myself. I never sweat and I know I need to release toxins so here I am. Just smiling at my phone as I write this and sweat. I notice my mouth feeling dry so I imagine I’m leaving soon to drink some water and see where my curiousity leads me next. Maybe a massage chair with hubby if he’s almost done or I can go outside and end my gym session for the day with some fresh air.

I am so fucking proud of me.

Questions for contemplation:

What is a baby step you can take today that would make you so proud?

What is your relationship with your body? Do you push her too hard? What does she want your relationship with her to be like?