Healing my “Performer” Survival Instinct

All my life I was terrified to write an “about me”. Today, I accidentally landed Home to my first authentic about me that had 0 intention to impress. Read about my “Performance”trauma healing journey.

About 5 minutes ago I accidentally did something my younger self would never have imagined possible. I wrote an “about me” summary with a regulated nervous system and I didn’t even realize it until after I submitted my answer.

Let me explain, all of my life, I have had to perform for survival. The best version of me I could be ( pretty, smart, and talented) was the only version of me that received the attention of my caregivers and therefore, I finally got my emotional needs met. Naturally, I shut down all other parts of me that were deemed annoying, inconvenient, too much, and a burden.

Fast forward to adulthood and this survival strategy had me breaking down in spirals of “who am I?” Every single time I had to write an about me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! without exaggeration. I would have panic attacks, literally shut down for the rest of the day and procrastinate the shit out of whatever project I was striving to complete because to my nervous system, if what I wrote was not good enough, I would not only be rejected, I would get abandoned again. Left to my aunt to raise and I would spend everyday for months at the front door waiting for my parents to come back for me… again.

Society had me believe I was a procrastinator, perfectionist, and lazy but knowing what I know now, my genius survival strategy growing up was activated in order to keep me safe. Years and years and years of intentional healing later and my nervous system has finally found the safety to be the me I had to hide for my entire upbringing.

Looking back at this newest about me, I am most proud of the fact that it is messy, unfiltered, raw, real, and I am completely accepting and encouraging of the fact that this about me will be ever changing. What I grew up thinking was being flaky, fake, or inconsistent, the reparented version of me sees as powerful, unapologetic, authentic, and courageous; someone I would aspire to be.

So hello new friend. Meet this new version of me as I get to know her myself.

This is what I wrote before I noticed I needed to shorten it to 250 characters lol :

“Substack About Me:

Constantly changing, healing, growing and sharing my raw real reflections with those who care to be on this journey alongside me. I deeply fucking care about breaking generational cycles that cause harm to our future generations. I love to learn about humanity, spirituality, and healing. I love to hold space for people’s stories and gift them the respect, attention, and care they deserve. In my working life, I am Life Coach who helps people lessen the load of their heavy human emotions and support them in their quest for a deeply fulfilling and nourishing life.

I am human. I live my life in prayer and surprise. I am emotional, hyper sensitive to noise and unharmonized environments. I’m passionate about the things that matter to me like human connection and depth. I am incredibly knowledgeable and skilled at facilitating deeply healing conversations. And I enjoy all of it.

Thank you for being here.”

If you enjoyed this read and feel like you learned something about yourself through these words, click the subscribe button below to read more of my trauma healing reflections and emotional stories.

---